When Joe Becomes Jolene

Let's be honest... For the past twelve centuries, billions of people have partaken in the consumption of the product from the ritual of adding roasted, grounded beans to hot water, a deceptively-simple brew that has become a genuine staple for nearly every culture on earth. It wasn't until the 17th century, however, that experimentation began through the addition of sweeteners and milk. Sadly, it would not be too long before other societies and, more significantly, businesses would prove unsatisfied and bored with the restrained beverage; thus, the ice-blended abortion was dropped from its diseased womb.

The uncomplicated nature of the cup of coffee shares little with the characteristics of the ice-blended drink whose options can include the terms "one scoop," "soy," "no whip," and "light" among others. Yes, the eyes of the reader do not betray them for as mid-1990s fashionable it may be to for a young man to be seen handling what is essentially a milkshake in coffee's clothing, they are afforded the option of doing so while "actively" demonstrating concern for their waistline with the request of making it "light." Not all are gripped with this fear, however, and press forward undaunted on the Diabetes Express seeking fanciful flavors such as Mocha, Mintopia, Oreo Crumble, and Turtle, among others, to satiate their sweet tooth. How much more masculine can one get than hurriedly cramming their favorite candy snacks into a blender with ice, milk, flavored sugar powder, and, of course, a shot of coffee as one would not want others to confuse this with an item from their childhood malt shop instead of the adult drink that it is, all topped off with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles?

And yet there are alternatives for even the hottest days this side of the solstice: the iced coffee and, for those seeking a dagger rather than a butter knife, the iced espresso. Ice was a non-existent commodity during the hundreds of years that coffee was consumed throughout the scorching Middle East; perhaps, then, it should be viewed as the luxury, and not the necessity, that is is. But hey, since people sometimes need their coffee milkshake might I point out that Coldstone's is next door, so can you please get the fuck out of my line so I can order my cup of coffee, "Irish it up" in the parking lot, and get on with my fucking life?